Some Kind of Revelation...

So when  we last met...

...I was two months in to living with family, finding it really difficult being away from C. and we were going to be moving in, in December. 

The f**ckers lied. The moving date has now become February, and I was getting to the point where I was about ready to scratch my eyes out, but now that I can say "we're moving next month" I feel a little more serene. So the last few months has been a mix of tears, excitement, anger and apprehension. Loads of fun, in other words. 

But now, I think things are going to be different...

Why? You ask, and let me tell you. I have a new perspective on things. A new determination. And I'm getting a house next month, like a proper grown up, and that. 

I have a plan. The details are sketchy. The plan, is less a plan, and more than a set of determined and impassioned bullet points in my head, that resemble the ramblings of someone unhinged, but non-the-less, I'm ready to put some stuff into action. When I do, I think 2014 really is going to be a year to remember...

Watch. This. Space.

Two months down... 3 to go

The last post was 3 weeks in to living away from C. Now I'm two months in.

It's still shit, but I'm coping better than in the beginning. It's weird living with family. Sometimes it's awesome, and it's really nice to be spending time with them. Other times I want to scream.

I'm so grateful that they're letting me stay, I'd never have been able to save otherwise. But I feel like my teenage self again. Trapped in a town with nothing to do, no bloody money (it's all in savings) and painfully aware of the lack of sex! It's still more sex than my fat teen self got, but far too sporadic! Also, it has to be sneaky and quiet, as we're both staying with family! It really is like being a teenager!

It's looking like we'll be in the house before xmas, but that's all we know. Also, my cat is getting fatter at my mum and dad's house. He's stealing food from their geriatric, partially toothless cats. And I think he might be gay. He keeps trying to bum their cats. They are both males, and not interested. I'll support his lifestyle choices of course, he has to follow his little rainbow striped heart. But he needs to stop trying to make straight cats feel the same way. It'll only end in heartbreak.

Well, thus ends another rambling post. I'm off to search for decor ideas on Houzzz, which displays only houses belonging to millionaires. *sigh* living the dream. Xxxx

The way things are

At the moment...

I've been living apart from C. for about 3 weeks. I never knew it'd be this hard. Which sounds a bit harsh, but I literally thought I'd be ok, and rise above it all. Truth is, it's awful. On top of that, all my routines have changed. I miss weird stuff, like my own pans and kitchen.I miss eating at 6.30. I miss my bed, and being woken by my cat trying to lick my face. I miss my dodgy shower that only spat  out cold water, unless you ran the bath tap. I miss hiding fags in the undergrowth of the garden because I'm too lazy to put them in the bin, and don't want the other neighbours to see them. I miss scaring the shit out of the guy that lived upstairs every morning,  because he always seemed to forget I'd be on the outside step smoking at that time. I miss my well stocked freezer, I miss the wardrobe door which was always precariously leaning, threatening to fall at any moment. I miss the window box that my cat woukd sleep in. I miss curling up on the sofa with C. watching our tv shows, with my legs draped on his. Fuck. 

I'm trying tp stay positive.  I'm hoping if I think positive, I'll start to take on the characteristics of an optimism. It's not the end of the world. I must sound so ungrateful,  but it's hard to be outside of my own head at the moment.  It makes a difference having people back in the house, I just need to stop bloody counting days (approx 145, for your information).

Ok the mantra from here will be: I can do this. 

Keep it simple, why not? might make it a bit more doable xxx

And so it begins...

We sold the flat...

It was an amazing relief to hand over the keys to our useless, estate agent with the high-pitched voice. Ah Jonathan, with  your business suits that are slightly too tight around your middle, and your "kooky" socks that you wear to inject a little bit of your personality into your work-wear. Very glad to have less to do with you, you smooth talking jackass. We still have to deal with him because his estate agents are selling the house we're buying. Eek. More squeaky falsehoods to come from him in the future I reckon. 

The downside is that my beloved and I are now living apart, at ourfamily's homes. It's so much harder than I thought it would be. It's weird to lie beside someone every night, and then have to curl up in an empty bed. Whenever we see each other, it's strange to think that we'll soon be heading our separate ways. It's hard, but I need to keep things in perspective. It's for the greater good, in the end. 

So currently,  I am cleaning cat poop up three times a day, as my cousin has three cats and is away for two weeks. I have decided that I am useless at living alone. I thought I'd be more productive than this... so far I haven't cooked a meal, though I love cooking, preferring instead to mooch leftovers off my mum and dad. I'm like a cat rummaging for scraps, it's cute for a while, but gets less so as time goes by. All I have done is watch marathons of Four Rooms on the sky+ planner. Surely this is what all other 25 year olds spend their Saturday nights doing? The highlight of my evening was finding a pot noodle in the cupboard, which means lunch tomorrow is sorted. *sigh* I promise I'll be less of a knob as time goes by. It's gonna take some time though...xxx

The Past Six Months, a Little Rundown

A lot has happened.

I'm gonna do a quick rundown of all the ups and downs of the last 6 months. They have been busy, emotional, and have generally made my head spin. Plenty of ups and downs to keep me on my toes and laughing and crying, sometimes simultaneously. 

• December- I was looking forward to a family Christmas, the second since my beloved aunt had passed. We all had high hopes, for some normality, and a lighter feeling in the air since the last. Five days before Christmas,  my grandmother in India died, meaning my mum had to fly out pretty much the next day for the funeral. I didn't see her til mid January. Christmas,  understandably was less jovial than we had hoped. My sister and I made the Christmas dinner... never. again. Stress, stress, stress! No wonder my parents never share our enthusiam for heading out to see everyone straight after Christmas dinner! I slept for 3 hours. I was back in bed by ten pm, sleeping like a baby.

• January- nothing much happened except post indulgence regret, but it was amazing to get mum back (and have a second Christmas dinner-hoorah!) oh, and we sold our flat at last... for 3 days, and then it fell through! Indecisive bastards!

• February- marked the two year anniversary of my aunt's passing. It's weird how raw it all still feels. It's not a cliché to say I miss her every day. I do, with all of my heart.

• March- I turned 25. It felt no different from 24. I have yet to stop being a knob. Maybe that will happen at 30, it may all click into place... I frigging hope not though. Snow cancelled my birthday night out though. I stayed in and sulked.

• April- flipping crazy month. I organised a massive surprise 50s themed 50th birthday party for my dad. So. Much. Stress. Turned out to be great, and the band we hired were amazing.  I did end up baking in preparation for the party,  for 18 hours. Damn, I'm good.but, two days before the party... we sold the flat! Added hectic-ness on top of everything. so happy though!

• May- I was actually sober after a night out at the Leeds Cockpit for the first time ever! Still had a great night, and it was very cheap. Pretty much nothing else happened this month. It was really boring.

• June so far-my little cousin got married last weekend! I cried all the way through.  I'm so proud of him, can't believe he's so grown up. He's a husband! my little cousin, is an actual husband. This continues to blow my mind. He's been through so muc, and he's so strong, he's like my little brother. Also... we found a house! The down side is we can't move in til November at the earliest! My beloved and I shall be living at our respective parents' houses for 5 months! Separated for five months. I'm trying to see the positives, it could be like dating again, so all a bit unknown and fun, but I'm gonna miss him like mad! Watch this space... I'll be living with family again for the first time in 7 years... it could get tricky! Xxx

Things which were not awesome today...

Things which were not awesome today:

• I wore a cap-sleeved dress to work, and the cap-sleeves clung too tightly to my underarms and made me sweaty (it's bullshit that only men sweat, and ladies perspire... I sweat like a bitch in non-breathable synthetic fabrics. It's an uncomfortable truth.)

• I walked home from the train station in the dark to save £3 on taxi fare. The five raindrops that touched my hair in the few seconds between dismounting the train and putting my umbrella up, have rendered it the love child of Diana Ross and a bird's nest.

• This morning I stood on the back of a teenage boy's shoe and tripped him as he dawdled from the train station. And couldn't hide my laughter at his attempt to play it cool and not acknowledge what had happened.

• Lion-o did the world's biggest crap in his litter tray and left in uncovered, so I could appreciate it in its full glory this morning when I woke up. 

• The uninspired title of this post.

Things that were actually reasonably awesome:

• I managed not to burn my microwave dinner at work today, and timed my visit to the communal microwave to perfection. There was no queue, and I didn't get stuck behind sweet-potato-girl, who enjoys the torment of setting the microwave for 10 minutes (we have a 30 min break for lunch, microwave time is included in this) and stopping to prod and see the potato's progress every 45seconds. Vindictive bitch.

•  My beloved calling by our flat in between jobs at work, to bring me chocolate. My calorie consumption guilt is lessened by his loveliness. 

• My flipping train home was actually on time!!!! There are no words to describe the amazingness of this occurence.

• I've finally got round to starting the online book club thingy I was talking about! Productive? Hell yes I am. 

Slaying my inner goth

There are some things that I am certain of...

• I am certain that I will never fit into a pair of jeans from Miss Selfridge, as the sizes only come in bulimic, anorexic and Nadine from Girls Aloud. All of which are the actual sizes of Barbie's clothing.

• I will never walk into a supermarket and be able to spend less than 15 minutes looking at cheese. I discovered early in my own supermarket shopping experiences that cheese is expensive, and comes in many wonderful varieties. So many in fact, that I often find myself pulled into a cheese choosing vortex of confusion. And will always default to low fat cheddar and curse myself for doing so. 

• When re-living memories in my head, playing out possible scenarios of an event, or just imagining random conversations- I will always find myself pulling an expression to match the situation as it plays out. Whilst re-living arguments, I have often caught my reflection and it is either in a scowl, an angry pout, or features an indignant eyebrow raise fitting the situation.

• And I am certain that the moody-without-a-cause gothic teen within, will never let me fully embrace a sense of optimism. This goth girl of course was my teenage self. Now she is an inner-bitch-nightmare. She is 14, over-weight, dealing with stretchmarks (that mum probably should have warned her about- if only she'd known to moisturise regularly!)an over-active libido that has no outlet, except in (frequent) masturbatory fantasies, NHS glasses which are forever askew and the knowledge that no matter how hard we try, the left eyebrow will never fully match the right.

So yes- she's a flipping nightmare at times even now. What I'm getting at is this: no matter how wonderful an occasion is, there's this nagging teen-goth-bitch who wants to pull it apart. I think to an extent we all have this, maybe not Goth, but teen self, who has an influence at times we don't necessarily intend them to. 

In some ways it's a struggle, but I think over the years we can   placate this teen self, to stop them from developing further, or taking over. Mine has been fed copious amounts of sex, too much food (although the gym, which she hates, has helped counteract some of the side effects)and the knowledge that our eyebrows are as close to symmetrical as we can ever get them- and that's not too bad! 

I think what this long-winded drivel means is- we don't have to let our past dictate our future, but there's no sense in pretending it isn't there. Work with it, grow from it and get on with it- and you will be fine... In theory.