Things which were not awesome today...

Things which were not awesome today:

• I wore a cap-sleeved dress to work, and the cap-sleeves clung too tightly to my underarms and made me sweaty (it's bullshit that only men sweat, and ladies perspire... I sweat like a bitch in non-breathable synthetic fabrics. It's an uncomfortable truth.)

• I walked home from the train station in the dark to save £3 on taxi fare. The five raindrops that touched my hair in the few seconds between dismounting the train and putting my umbrella up, have rendered it the love child of Diana Ross and a bird's nest.

• This morning I stood on the back of a teenage boy's shoe and tripped him as he dawdled from the train station. And couldn't hide my laughter at his attempt to play it cool and not acknowledge what had happened.

• Lion-o did the world's biggest crap in his litter tray and left in uncovered, so I could appreciate it in its full glory this morning when I woke up. 

• The uninspired title of this post.

Things that were actually reasonably awesome:

• I managed not to burn my microwave dinner at work today, and timed my visit to the communal microwave to perfection. There was no queue, and I didn't get stuck behind sweet-potato-girl, who enjoys the torment of setting the microwave for 10 minutes (we have a 30 min break for lunch, microwave time is included in this) and stopping to prod and see the potato's progress every 45seconds. Vindictive bitch.

•  My beloved calling by our flat in between jobs at work, to bring me chocolate. My calorie consumption guilt is lessened by his loveliness. 

• My flipping train home was actually on time!!!! There are no words to describe the amazingness of this occurence.

• I've finally got round to starting the online book club thingy I was talking about! Productive? Hell yes I am. 

Slaying my inner goth

There are some things that I am certain of...

• I am certain that I will never fit into a pair of jeans from Miss Selfridge, as the sizes only come in bulimic, anorexic and Nadine from Girls Aloud. All of which are the actual sizes of Barbie's clothing.

• I will never walk into a supermarket and be able to spend less than 15 minutes looking at cheese. I discovered early in my own supermarket shopping experiences that cheese is expensive, and comes in many wonderful varieties. So many in fact, that I often find myself pulled into a cheese choosing vortex of confusion. And will always default to low fat cheddar and curse myself for doing so. 

• When re-living memories in my head, playing out possible scenarios of an event, or just imagining random conversations- I will always find myself pulling an expression to match the situation as it plays out. Whilst re-living arguments, I have often caught my reflection and it is either in a scowl, an angry pout, or features an indignant eyebrow raise fitting the situation.

• And I am certain that the moody-without-a-cause gothic teen within, will never let me fully embrace a sense of optimism. This goth girl of course was my teenage self. Now she is an inner-bitch-nightmare. She is 14, over-weight, dealing with stretchmarks (that mum probably should have warned her about- if only she'd known to moisturise regularly!)an over-active libido that has no outlet, except in (frequent) masturbatory fantasies, NHS glasses which are forever askew and the knowledge that no matter how hard we try, the left eyebrow will never fully match the right.

So yes- she's a flipping nightmare at times even now. What I'm getting at is this: no matter how wonderful an occasion is, there's this nagging teen-goth-bitch who wants to pull it apart. I think to an extent we all have this, maybe not Goth, but teen self, who has an influence at times we don't necessarily intend them to. 

In some ways it's a struggle, but I think over the years we can   placate this teen self, to stop them from developing further, or taking over. Mine has been fed copious amounts of sex, too much food (although the gym, which she hates, has helped counteract some of the side effects)and the knowledge that our eyebrows are as close to symmetrical as we can ever get them- and that's not too bad! 

I think what this long-winded drivel means is- we don't have to let our past dictate our future, but there's no sense in pretending it isn't there. Work with it, grow from it and get on with it- and you will be fine... In theory. 

The First Page of my 2013 diary transcribed

01.01.2013 12.49am

It is the dawn of a brave new era. One where adventures begin, foes are defeated and battles won in honour. Sounded dramatic. But now maybe it's actually melodramatic.

It i the early hours of January the 1st 2013. I am in bed. Alone, but for the cat, who has shirked me and chosen to stare at a streetlamp from the damp windowsill instead. The treacherous little git will be back in a while to leech my body heat no doubt.

Lion-o and I, have spent the evening lounging around the living room, washing trashy TV and eating utter crap. We saw the New Year in by watching other people's fireworks and Chinese lanterns illuminate the sky. For a while, Lion-o stared at a brighter than usual star, waiting for an explosion that he felt was inevitable. Twenty minutes later he gave up and slinked away to his bowl.

Just for once, I'm not going to placate myself with other-enthused platitudes that "this will be my year". Nope. i'm going to simply accept that this will be A year, and that whatever happens, happens. No second guessing, no "Why me?" I'm just getting on with it. Head down, eyes on the prize, focused. Anything that happens this year will be because I made it happen.